Arrivederci Condimento

Finally, a new Dog Food Productions release!! What? You're weren't really waiting on anything from us? And also you stumbled upon this blog by accident looking for cheaper prices on Nutro Large Breed Adult Dog Food? Well, now that you're here, enjoy this mediocre offering from your new pals here at Dog Food Productions! Satisfaction implied, not guaranteed.

The Youngest DFP Fan

Meet the Stars, Part 1

Today we're beginning a new series of articles devoted to covering each Dog Food Productions star. You've seen their biographies, but here we'll take a look at how each player carves their own unique niche, or not, in the ever-growing Dog Food filmography. Check back infrequently, as there will be more updates guaranteed later this century.

First up is Richard Lane. Richard came to Dog Food studios professing a desire to act in the tradition of John Garfield in "Body and Soul" and Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront" and "One-Eyed Jacks". What attracted him to these classic performances? Perhaps the fact that in each film, the protagonist has the crap beat out of him. Yes, it's Richard's little quirk that he enjoys being abused on film, and we've certainly been happy to oblige. No mere whipping boy he, Richard painstakingly goes over his manner of degradation with the director before each production begins, even offering suggestions for new methods of how he might be slapped around, or in some cases, killed.

(Warning: SPOILERS below for some Dog Food films... now you don't have to watch them. You're welcome.)

Richard's legendary inability to hold down even a shotglass of weak liquor was highlighted in his first Dog Food film, "Mondo Ghio". Rich insisted on taking pure shots of Everclear for each take to make his reactions genuine. (A second bottle was needed to finish the shoot when it was discovered director R. Strother had drained the first one during the lunch break.) Richard supposedly suffered from nausea for days, but more importantly, a lasting sight gag was born.

After escaping relatively unscathed in "Cool Yule", Richard returned to play one of the many murder victims in "Citizen Pate". To double his humiliation, he was killed on the toilet. If this evokes either Janet Leigh or Elvis in your mind, your imagination is much better than mine.

In the amazingly long-titled "The Amazing Spectacles of Mr. Ghio", Richard faces yet another ignominious demise... he is killed when his bike wipes out after running over some phony dog crap placed in his path by the crafty Mr. Ghio. (That's right. Go back and reread that sentence if you need to. That's the level of inventiveness you're dealing with here.) How did Ghio know exactly where to place the object? How did this make Richard crash? And why did he die? No matter; it's yet another shameful end for Mr. Lane.

Bored after playing one of the "heroes" in "La Grande Saliccia", Richard joined Cal Slayton for the first ever use of the famous (now retired) Dog Food "mayo gag". And gag he did, as jar after jar of mayo was consumed through the three-day shoot. He's a real trouper, folks, to say the least.

Adding a holiday twist to his now standard spit-take, Richard upped the ante by vomiting poisoned egg nog before dying in "Cool Yule Part II".

Yearning for a greater challenge after the mild abuse of the last three films, Richard went all-out in "Rules of the Game", where, during a simple child's game of rock-paper-scissors, he is slapped, beaten and finally killed by Cal Slayton in a period of less than five minutes. Another stellar physical performance by Lane; Slayton has referred to this as his favorite shoot.

After suffering mere mental abuse by Slayton in "The Alibi", it can now be told that Richard actually made an uncredited appearance as "Pate", one of the ill-fated rodents in "Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon". Richard was crammed into a tiny, hot, itchy costume, dropped from the roof of Strother's house, and made to crawl across the lawn only to have blood vomited in his face. If they gave "Best Actor" awards to cheap, Internet-only videos that nobody watches, Richard would have been assured one here.

In "The Infraction", sad-sack Rich is unfortunate enough to belong to a club whose members are rule-obsessed harmonica-playing nerds who also harbor dangerous psychotic tendencies. His fate, as you see below, was painful to film, though director Strother did give Richard a five-minute break every hour before stringing him back up again.

"Community Service" stars Richard as a guy with a speeding ticket who mistakenly winds up on a dangerous chain gang. A chain gang that is forced to... um... clean up a soccer field. Doesn't sound dangerous, huh? Well, Richard still manages to wind up flat on his back being dragged across the grass by an ankle chain! Way to go, Rich!

And there we have the contributions of Richard to date, knowing that many more are to come. Of course, this meek, put-upon personality is all an actor's trick. In real life, Richard would just as soon open your jugular with a straight razor as look at you. But on screen, he's as gentle as a lamb. Dog Food star Richard Lane, we salute you! And punch you... and kick you... and...

Better Late Than Never

A photo of our 2nd Place Award from the 2008 24 Hour Video Race...

Dog Food fans try, as they must, to carry on.

Here we see long time Dog Food fans Hilary and Melissa Raap drowning their sorrows over the latest missed deadline from film director and DVD non-producer Randy Strother. Brave soldiers, they... smiling all the while as they hold back their tears over the latest postponement of The Dog Food Collection on DVD. They look happy, yes, but they're not fooling anybody.

Chin up, girls; take heart. Surely not even a notorious, serial promise-breaker like Strother could look at this lovely picture and even think of letting you down.

Could he?

DVD No Show

We here at Dog Food Productions love deadlines. We especially love the ear-piercing banshee-like scream they make when they go flying by.

I’m sure you already know this, as news of this event has saturated the mainstream media even knocking the coverage of the election and photos of the world’s shortest man meeting the woman with the longest legs out of the spotlight.

That’s right the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is officially late. Originally slated as a “Summer 2008” release, work on the long-awaited set hasn’t even begun and here it is Fall already. But being the media-savvy man about town he is, director R. Strother tempered his grandiose and ambitious release date with the easy out, back door escape, get out of jail free, make everything better, you can’t sue me, legally binding (in three states)… “maybe”. Check the trailer; trust me, its there.

Many fans that had been camping out all Summer (see accompanying AP Photo) waiting for the mildly anticipated release were sent home. Butts sore from sitting on concrete for weeks, hearts broken by film guys too lazy to convert 16 films from VHS to DVD.

Fall 2008? Maybe? Well, let us get back to you.

Possible Documentary

"What we've got heeere... is a failure... to entertain."

Sit back, enjoy the type of high quality filmmaking that garners 2nd place (out of 24 teams) in the Auteur division in 2008 24-Hour Video Race and wonder why it didn’t get 3rd.

VIDEO RACE REQUIREMENTS
Theme: A twist of fate
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"
Location: Anywhere a sport is played.

Spare Change

A playground, where painful childhood memories linger. A ladder, to climb to greater heights, with promises of easy money. A late-night viewing of Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam. This 5-minute endurance test was shown at the Angelika Theater as part of the 2004 24-Hour Video Race (put on by the Video Association of Dallas). "You can have it", 'cause we don't want it.

VIDEO RACE REQUIREMENTS
Theme: Easy Money
Prop: Ladder
Line of dialogue: "You can have it"
Location: Playground

It’s Christmastime!

Well, Christmas 2003 that is. After years of red tape, legal wrangling and a fierce blood feud with our Eastern European distributor, Cool Yule Part II is finally available online for your viewing displeasure. This sequel to Cool Yule is jam packed with holiday cheer and features a tour de force performance by Sir James Ghio, Esq. Just when you thought you were out, we pulled you back in. Yes, I know that’s a Godfather III reference, not II, but who really cares. Watch our stupid movie, it’ll make you feel better about yourself.

Summer 2008. Maybe.

Thrifty Nickel Entertainment Roundup
- by Edward Applebee

Two days past the official start of summer and the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is nowhere in sight.

It was December of last year that the Associated Press first reported the impending release of this vast film archive. Regular readers of my column will remember that in an interview with the AP, director R. Strother was quoted as saying "The Dog Food Collection on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release”.

The world waits with baited breath for Dog Food Productions to leap headfirst into the mid to late 90s and embrace the technology often referred to as DVD. This ultimate collection of Dog Food material is reported to contain every DFP film ever made. Cool Yule. Citizen Pate. La Grande Salcissia. The Infraction. All the films you grew up with and threw up with. I don’t know about you, but this reporter is scheduling his vacation around the release of these movie masterpieces. Sure, my wife wants to go to Maui, but she’s an idiot.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to get an exclusive phone interview with Dog Food irregular Cal Slayton, known for roles such as the Chameleon in La Grande Salcissia, James Pate in The Alibi, and Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast #2 in Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

Thrifty Nickel: So, what is the status of the DVD collection?
Cal Slayton: You need to talk to Strother. Good luck finding him.

TN: Can you elaborate? Is he even working on it?
CS: Working on it? I doubt he’s even thought about it. When it comes to making teaser trailers, the guy’s the best in the biz. No doubt, no doubt in my mind. But then he just peters out. Like a bottle rocket. You know, big takeoff, not much of a finish.

Plus, it doesn’t help that Crosby and him are constantly at odds, it’s not the healthiest way to work. They’re constantly bickering. Strother gets in one of his moods, doesn’t want to work, smashes equipment and then disappears for days on end. When he finally shows back up, he reeks of booze and is usually missing his pants. It’s not a pretty sight.

TN: So, do you think it will ever see the light of day?
CS: Well, the DVD covers have been ready for over a year now. We got this local Graphic Designer to do them for us. He does really great work. I mean really, really, really great work. Honestly, just beautiful stuff. Really professional looking material. Fantastic designer. I mean, if you were gonna hire a designer…

(This went on for about 5 minutes and then…)

CS: …Yeah, I think it’ll happen. Every day the DVDs aren’t on the shelves, I lose money. And I like money. A lot. So, I dropped a little envelope in the mail today. Once Strother takes a looks at the photos it contains, I’m pretty sure he'll be planted in front of his editing bay before you can say “Don and a donkey”.

TN: That’s great news. So what does the future hold for Dog Food?
CS: We have a couple of projects we’re knocking around. One is sort of a Bigfoot thing. The other is a Holiday film that just may reunite the characters from Sausage. Of course, that’s dependent on Lane getting a work release and if we can get Ghio back on the continent. He moved to Paraguay after our last film “Community Service”. He loved how he looked in that hat and wanted to move somewhere that he could sport it on a daily basis without fear of ridicule.

So, there you have it dear readers. The Dog Food DVD Collection, no definitive answers.

Comm Serv Sec Plac for DF

As surely as the swallows return annually to Capistrano, each year the gang of Dog Food idiots flocks to the 24-Hour Video Race, presented by the Video Association of Dallas. This year our entry "Community Service" was somehow voted next-to-least-worst video in the "Auteur" division -- that's second place, folks. As in, just behind first! Truly, there were some fine competitors this year... and then there was us. Hop on over to the "Films" page for an update on our latest epic.