Monday, December 10, 2007

The Dog Food Collection

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
11:24 AM EST, December 10, 2007, OXNARD, Ca.

Soon, happy consumers will be able to throw away their old, worn-out VHS copies of "Citizen Pate", "Mondo Ghio", and other Dog Food Productions classics with the release of "The Dog Food Collection" on DVD in 2008. R. Strother, director and leading tyrant of Dog Food Productions, discovered the DVD format just last year. "It's amazing," said Strother at a rare press junket. "It's like a CD, but you can put a movie on it." Strother's infatuation with the "new" format has sparred the remastering of all films in the Dog Food catalog. Some insiders fear that the release will be delayed by the director's incessant habit for retooling old work. "It's always been my belief," Strother was quoted as saying, "that these films would benefit from modern technology." His stated plans include replacing the cardboard characters Don and Pate with CGI counterparts and adding back scenes that were deleted after negative audience previews. "I still say the bordello scene from 'The Big Sausage' was a masterwork, and it's back in", claims Strother. "And when the fully restored 'Cool Yule II' is released, the world will see that Cronenberg was not the first to film a naked steambath knife fight." Strother went on to hint that in the extended version of "The Solicitor", audiences will see "what really happened in that pool". "The Dog Food Collection" on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release. The press has been unanimous in its opinion that Strother will fail to deliver.