Monday, December 08, 2008

Better Late Than Never

A photo of our 2nd Place Award from the 2008 24 Hour Video Race...

Monday, December 01, 2008

Dog Food fans try, as they must, to carry on.

Here we see long time Dog Food fans Hilary and Melissa Raap drowning their sorrows over the latest missed deadline from film director and DVD non-producer Randy Strother. Brave soldiers, they... smiling all the while as they hold back their tears over the latest postponement of The Dog Food Collection on DVD. They look happy, yes, but they're not fooling anybody.

Chin up, girls; take heart. Surely not even a notorious, serial promise-breaker like Strother could look at this lovely picture and even think of letting you down.

Could he?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

DVD No Show

We here at Dog Food Productions love deadlines. We especially love the ear-piercing banshee-like scream they make when they go flying by.

I’m sure you already know this, as news of this event has saturated the mainstream media even knocking the coverage of the election and photos of the world’s shortest man meeting the woman with the longest legs out of the spotlight.

That’s right the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is officially late. Originally slated as a “Summer 2008” release, work on the long-awaited set hasn’t even begun and here it is Fall already. But being the media-savvy man about town he is, director R. Strother tempered his grandiose and ambitious release date with the easy out, back door escape, get out of jail free, make everything better, you can’t sue me, legally binding (in three states)… “maybe”. Check the trailer; trust me, its there.

Many fans that had been camping out all Summer (see accompanying AP Photo) waiting for the mildly anticipated release were sent home. Butts sore from sitting on concrete for weeks, hearts broken by film guys too lazy to convert 16 films from VHS to DVD.

Fall 2008? Maybe? Well, let us get back to you.

Friday, June 27, 2008

"What we've got heeere... is a failure... to entertain."

Sit back, enjoy the type of high quality filmmaking that garners 2nd place (out of 24 teams) in the Auteur division in 2008 24-Hour Video Race and wonder why it didn’t get 3rd.

Theme: A twist of fate
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"
Location: Anywhere a sport is played.

Spare Change

A playground, where painful childhood memories linger. A ladder, to climb to greater heights, with promises of easy money. A late-night viewing of Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam. This 5-minute endurance test was shown at the Angelika Theater as part of the 2004 24-Hour Video Race (put on by the Video Association of Dallas). "You can have it", 'cause we don't want it.

Theme: Easy Money
Prop: Ladder
Line of dialogue: "You can have it"
Location: Playground

It’s Christmastime!

Well, Christmas 2003 that is. After years of red tape, legal wrangling and a fierce blood feud with our Eastern European distributor, Cool Yule Part II is finally available online for your viewing displeasure. This sequel to Cool Yule is jam packed with holiday cheer and features a tour de force performance by Sir James Ghio, Esq. Just when you thought you were out, we pulled you back in. Yes, I know that’s a Godfather III reference, not II, but who really cares. Watch our stupid movie, it’ll make you feel better about yourself.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Summer 2008. Maybe.

Thrifty Nickel Entertainment Roundup
- by Edward Applebee

Two days past the official start of summer and the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is nowhere in sight.

It was December of last year that the Associated Press first reported the impending release of this vast film archive. Regular readers of my column will remember that in an interview with the AP, director R. Strother was quoted as saying "The Dog Food Collection on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release”.

The world waits with baited breath for Dog Food Productions to leap headfirst into the mid to late 90s and embrace the technology often referred to as DVD. This ultimate collection of Dog Food material is reported to contain every DFP film ever made. Cool Yule. Citizen Pate. La Grande Salcissia. The Infraction. All the films you grew up with and threw up with. I don’t know about you, but this reporter is scheduling his vacation around the release of these movie masterpieces. Sure, my wife wants to go to Maui, but she’s an idiot.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to get an exclusive phone interview with Dog Food irregular Cal Slayton, known for roles such as the Chameleon in La Grande Salcissia, James Pate in The Alibi, and Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast #2 in Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

Thrifty Nickel:
So, what is the status of the DVD collection?
Cal Slayton: You need to talk to Strother. Good luck finding him.

TN: Can you elaborate? Is he even working on it?
CS: Working on it? I doubt he’s even thought about it. When it comes to making teaser trailers, the guy’s the best in the biz. No doubt, no doubt in my mind. But then he just peters out. Like a bottle rocket. You know, big takeoff, not much of a finish.

Plus, it doesn’t help that Crosby and him are constantly at odds, it’s not the healthiest way to work. They’re constantly bickering. Strother gets in one of his moods, doesn’t want to work, smashes equipment and then disappears for days on end. When he finally shows back up, he reeks of booze and is usually missing his pants. It’s not a pretty sight.

So, do you think it will ever see the light of day?
CS: Well, the DVD covers have been ready for over a year now. We got this local Graphic Designer to do them for us. He does really great work. I mean really, really, really great work. Honestly, just beautiful stuff. Really professional looking material. Fantastic designer. I mean, if you were gonna hire a designer…

(This went on for about 5 minutes and then…)

CS: …Yeah, I think it’ll happen. Every day the DVDs aren’t on the shelves, I lose money. And I like money. A lot. So, I dropped a little envelope in the mail today. Once Strother takes a looks at the photos it contains, I’m pretty sure he'll be planted in front of his editing bay before you can say “Don and a donkey”.

TN: That’s great news. So what does the future hold for Dog Food?
CS: We have a couple of projects we’re knocking around. One is sort of a Bigfoot thing. The other is a Holiday film that just may reunite the characters from Sausage. Of course, that’s dependent on Lane getting a work release and if we can get Ghio back on the continent. He moved to Paraguay after our last film “Community Service”. He loved how he looked in that hat and wanted to move somewhere that he could sport it on a daily basis without fear of ridicule.

So, there you have it dear readers. The Dog Food DVD Collection, no definitive answers.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Comm Serv Sec Plac for DF

As surely as the swallows return annually to Capistrano, each year the gang of Dog Food idiots flocks to the 24-Hour Video Race, presented by the Video Association of Dallas. This year our entry "Community Service" was somehow voted next-to-least-worst video in the "Auteur" division -- that's second place, folks. As in, just behind first! Truly, there were some fine competitors this year... and then there was us. Hop on over to the "Films" page for an update on our latest epic.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Press release 05/24/2008

12:05 AM EST, May 24, 2008, OXNARD, Ca.

Trouble is brewing once again at Dog Food Productions like a late-night pot of cheap joe. After director R. Strother off-handedly referred to his acting team as "knuckleheads" and "no-goodniks" at the Angelika screening of "Community Service", petulant returning member Kelly Crosby fired off a haughty retort, which we quote in full here:

"By the way Mr. Strothers... Expect to hear from my attorneys in regards to defamation of character! I resent this public announcement during your acceptance speech last night!............"Knuckled head".....HURUMPH! Knuckled head indeed! Oh you know what I’m talking about............oh you know................

This isn't over Strothers...............not by a long that that....

Good day sir.............I SAID..... GOOD DAY!"

Strother's reply was predictably terse, though he did manage to sneak in a plug:

"Crosby's being a big baby because we didn't have his mint juleps and finger sandwiches waiting for him when he arrived on the set. He's just putting on a big show in the hopes that his salary for out next film -- "A Christmas Sausage", due to arrive December 2008 -- will be inflated. Fat chance."

The Video Race finals are being held on Tuesday the 27th. Expectations of a further controversy are low, since no "acceptance speech" is anticipated.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Where did we go right?

Last night at the Angelika Film Center in Dallas, "Community Service", our entry in the 2008 24-Hour Video Race, advanced to the finals with two other worthy competitors. And no, wise guy, there weren't only three to pick from. In fact, psychiatric and medical evaluations were performed on all the judges at the end of the evening, and apparently they were neither drunk nor insane... so it would appear that the results are legitimate. If you missed the screening, you have another chance to sit through our latest "gag"-fest next Tuesday at the same location. Just be sure to bring five bucks and plenty of Bromo-Seltzer.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

We're makin' a film here, boss!

Well, friends and enemies, Dog Food Productions once again completed the 24-Hour Video Race on time, so tonight you will be able to see your favorite knuckleheads on the big screen as our new short, "Community Service" premieres. The filming was an auspicious event which marked the return of Jimmy Ghio and Kelly Crosby to the Dog Food fold. That's right, all four original Dog Food cast members participated... that's four times the laughs for us and four times the agony for all of you!

2008 Requirements:
Theme: Twist of Fate
Location: Anywhere a sport is played
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"

Admit it, you're dying to know what manner of crap we came up with. See it at the Angelika Film Center in Dallas tonight, or just watch this space for empty promises of posting it here.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dog Fight!

Dog Food Productions will compete tonight in their fifth "24-Hour Video Race", and the project already appears to be in jeopardy. Returning cast member Kelly Crosby has issued outrageous demands for the honor of his presence, including Evian water chilled to precisely 68 degrees; a no-nudity clause; and a stern admonition that any use of the words "tostado" or "cloak" be stricken from the script. Both Richard Lane and Cal Slayton, the team's most reliable members, have expressed doubt about their ability to endure Crosby's dilettantish antics. In addition, Dog Food star Jimmy Ghio is out of town and may not return in time for the race, and director R. Strother was reportedly seen late last night drinking solo from a Scorpion Bowl at Trader Vic's instead of getting the much-needed sleep the race requires. Does this brewing storm mean disaster for Dog Food Productions? Will this be a repeat of their freshman failure to deliver the video on time? We'll report the news here shortly, ugly though it may be.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Night of the Living Dog Food Idiots!

Hello, Dog Food fans. Be sure to watch this space closely in the coming days for updates, as the cast you love to despise once again participates in the annual Video Association of Dallas "24-Hour Video Race". This will be the Dog Food crew's fifth year (see earlier entries above) and this marks a reunion of sorts, with Kelly Crosby returning to the cast for the first time since 2003, and the potential appearance of the elusive Jimmy Ghio. Getting this cast back together was no easy or inexpensive task, as they all bear obscure grudges against each other. "Yeah... I guess I'm going to be there. But I am not looking forward to working with Strother again", said prima donna Crosby, fanning himself with a stack of 100 dollar bills. Ghio did not confirm that he will take part in the race, but does promise to wear pants for once if he does appear. Expect sporadic updates on this site in the form of a production diary from irritable director R. Strother leading up to, and after the race. Expect it... and then be disappointed.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

New Website

What type of person reads this blog? You do obviously. But you must have reason to. And if you have reason to, then you might be interested in knowing that I just totally redesigned the Dog Food Productions website. There you will that our filmography is now current, that I've added a bunch of new photos and artwork, and that our award-winning director has compiled a brief and somewhat scandalous history of DFP. So, if you have some time to kill and you like really stupid stuff, stop by and see what's going on.

Proceed to Mediocrity!