Friday, June 27, 2008

"What we've got heeere... is a failure... to entertain."

Sit back, enjoy the type of high quality filmmaking that garners 2nd place (out of 24 teams) in the Auteur division in 2008 24-Hour Video Race and wonder why it didn’t get 3rd.

Theme: A twist of fate
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"
Location: Anywhere a sport is played.

Spare Change

A playground, where painful childhood memories linger. A ladder, to climb to greater heights, with promises of easy money. A late-night viewing of Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam. This 5-minute endurance test was shown at the Angelika Theater as part of the 2004 24-Hour Video Race (put on by the Video Association of Dallas). "You can have it", 'cause we don't want it.

Theme: Easy Money
Prop: Ladder
Line of dialogue: "You can have it"
Location: Playground

It’s Christmastime!

Well, Christmas 2003 that is. After years of red tape, legal wrangling and a fierce blood feud with our Eastern European distributor, Cool Yule Part II is finally available online for your viewing displeasure. This sequel to Cool Yule is jam packed with holiday cheer and features a tour de force performance by Sir James Ghio, Esq. Just when you thought you were out, we pulled you back in. Yes, I know that’s a Godfather III reference, not II, but who really cares. Watch our stupid movie, it’ll make you feel better about yourself.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Summer 2008. Maybe.

Thrifty Nickel Entertainment Roundup
- by Edward Applebee

Two days past the official start of summer and the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is nowhere in sight.

It was December of last year that the Associated Press first reported the impending release of this vast film archive. Regular readers of my column will remember that in an interview with the AP, director R. Strother was quoted as saying "The Dog Food Collection on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release”.

The world waits with baited breath for Dog Food Productions to leap headfirst into the mid to late 90s and embrace the technology often referred to as DVD. This ultimate collection of Dog Food material is reported to contain every DFP film ever made. Cool Yule. Citizen Pate. La Grande Salcissia. The Infraction. All the films you grew up with and threw up with. I don’t know about you, but this reporter is scheduling his vacation around the release of these movie masterpieces. Sure, my wife wants to go to Maui, but she’s an idiot.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to get an exclusive phone interview with Dog Food irregular Cal Slayton, known for roles such as the Chameleon in La Grande Salcissia, James Pate in The Alibi, and Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast #2 in Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

Thrifty Nickel:
So, what is the status of the DVD collection?
Cal Slayton: You need to talk to Strother. Good luck finding him.

TN: Can you elaborate? Is he even working on it?
CS: Working on it? I doubt he’s even thought about it. When it comes to making teaser trailers, the guy’s the best in the biz. No doubt, no doubt in my mind. But then he just peters out. Like a bottle rocket. You know, big takeoff, not much of a finish.

Plus, it doesn’t help that Crosby and him are constantly at odds, it’s not the healthiest way to work. They’re constantly bickering. Strother gets in one of his moods, doesn’t want to work, smashes equipment and then disappears for days on end. When he finally shows back up, he reeks of booze and is usually missing his pants. It’s not a pretty sight.

So, do you think it will ever see the light of day?
CS: Well, the DVD covers have been ready for over a year now. We got this local Graphic Designer to do them for us. He does really great work. I mean really, really, really great work. Honestly, just beautiful stuff. Really professional looking material. Fantastic designer. I mean, if you were gonna hire a designer…

(This went on for about 5 minutes and then…)

CS: …Yeah, I think it’ll happen. Every day the DVDs aren’t on the shelves, I lose money. And I like money. A lot. So, I dropped a little envelope in the mail today. Once Strother takes a looks at the photos it contains, I’m pretty sure he'll be planted in front of his editing bay before you can say “Don and a donkey”.

TN: That’s great news. So what does the future hold for Dog Food?
CS: We have a couple of projects we’re knocking around. One is sort of a Bigfoot thing. The other is a Holiday film that just may reunite the characters from Sausage. Of course, that’s dependent on Lane getting a work release and if we can get Ghio back on the continent. He moved to Paraguay after our last film “Community Service”. He loved how he looked in that hat and wanted to move somewhere that he could sport it on a daily basis without fear of ridicule.

So, there you have it dear readers. The Dog Food DVD Collection, no definitive answers.