Dog Food Productions :|: No-Budget Filmmakers

SoaHAB -- SFG Edition

2011-08-20T09:19:00.002-05:00

By special request, here’s the Safe for Grandma edition of our “Blanks on a Blank” entry, Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

The year was 2006, and there was an unreasonable amount of hype for the new Samuel L. Jackson film, Snakes on a Plane. In the ensuing frenzy, the Alamo Drafthouse held an online contest in which contestants would enter and receive a randomly-generated animal and vehicle as the subjects of their short film. The only rules were to keep it under five minutes in length, to make sure your animals attack at some point in the story, and to have the characters curse in the inimitable style of Sam Jackson. Yes, that was a requirement.

Let me be clear… we did not choose “squirrels” or “hot air balloon”. They were chosen for us. And I had to toss my Quaggas on a Queen Mary script right in the trash.

I don’t think anybody actually went to see Snakes on a Plane in the end. But Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon lives on, so here for your family’s enjoyment is the cleaned-up, even shorter version. Appréciez l'idéotie!

La Grande Salsiccia Second Unit Footage

2011-08-07T17:21:00.004-05:00

Watch this space...

2011-07-31T17:41:00.001-05:00

What year is it again?

2010-04-22T16:58:00.009-05:00

Well, it's 2010 and there is still no Dog Food Productions DVD set on the horizon. Director R. Strother has again stated that this IS the year, and went on to proclaim, "I promise there will be no more empty promises!"... which is a bit like someone saying "I lied to you when I said I lied". So the appearance of a DVD or two this year is anybody's guess. However, what we do know is that the Dog Food crew will be participating again in the 24-Hour Video Race, presented by the Video Association of Dallas.

http://www.24hourvideoracedallas.com/

This is the sixth year the morons from Dog Food have competed, and each year they inch closer to making a watchable film. Check back soon for details on the race and other Dog Food scraps as they gear up for another year of big claims and little output.

In the meantime, it should be mentioned that Dog Food Productions actually did quite well in the 2008 Video Race. Below are some pics from the awards ceremony featuring the cast. (Note: director R. Strother got lost on the way to the gala and is still bitter about not having received his statuette.)

A Public Plea to the Organizers of the 24 Hour Video Race of Dallas

2009-07-09T19:50:00.001-05:00

Please don’t ever hold the race on Memorial Day Weekend again.

Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please.

I have standing family obligation every year on that weekend and therefore it throws a wrench into Dog Food Productions’ participation. I know we’re only one team and it doesn’t really mean much.

But, the Race is really all we have in life. Seriously. We’ve got nothing.

We love the Race and look for to each year. Without it, we dive headlong into a downward spiral of depression, infighting, backstabbing, shoplifting and inappropriate name-calling.

We’ve participated 5 times and each time we’ve done one step better...

2003 - Finished our film in time, but couldn't get it on the required tape format. That hurt.

2004 - Finished race, didn’t make the finals.

2006 - Finished race, made the finals, didn’t place.

2007 - Won 3rd place in our division.

2008 - Won 2nd place in our division.

2009 – Couldn't participate because of the date. That hurt more than 2003.

2010 and beyond - Who’s to say?

Hopefully you will have pity on us and keep it away from Memorial Day Weekend. We don’t need to win, we don’t need to place, we don’t need to make the finals, we just need to race and finish.

The future and well being of this handful of idiots rest solely in your hands.

But no pressure.

Arrivederci Condimento

2009-05-30T15:40:00.004-05:00

Finally, a new Dog Food Productions release!! What? You're weren't really waiting on anything from us? And also you stumbled upon this blog by accident looking for cheaper prices on Nutro Large Breed Adult Dog Food? Well, now that you're here, enjoy this mediocre offering from your new pals here at Dog Food Productions! Satisfaction implied, not guaranteed.

The Youngest DFP Fan

2009-04-11T17:18:00.001-05:00

Meet the Stars, Part 1

2009-01-13T15:17:00.027-06:00

Today we're beginning a new series of articles devoted to covering each Dog Food Productions star. You've seen their biographies, but here we'll take a look at how each player carves their own unique niche, or not, in the ever-growing Dog Food filmography. Check back infrequently, as there will be more updates guaranteed later this century.

First up is Richard Lane. Richard came to Dog Food studios professing a desire to act in the tradition of John Garfield in "Body and Soul" and Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront" and "One-Eyed Jacks". What attracted him to these classic performances? Perhaps the fact that in each film, the protagonist has the crap beat out of him. Yes, it's Richard's little quirk that he enjoys being abused on film, and we've certainly been happy to oblige. No mere whipping boy he, Richard painstakingly goes over his manner of degradation with the director before each production begins, even offering suggestions for new methods of how he might be slapped around, or in some cases, killed.

(Warning: SPOILERS below for some Dog Food films... now you don't have to watch them. You're welcome.)

Richard's legendary inability to hold down even a shotglass of weak liquor was highlighted in his first Dog Food film, "Mondo Ghio". Rich insisted on taking pure shots of Everclear for each take to make his reactions genuine. (A second bottle was needed to finish the shoot when it was discovered director R. Strother had drained the first one during the lunch break.) Richard supposedly suffered from nausea for days, but more importantly, a lasting sight gag was born.

After escaping relatively unscathed in "Cool Yule", Richard returned to play one of the many murder victims in "Citizen Pate". To double his humiliation, he was killed on the toilet. If this evokes either Janet Leigh or Elvis in your mind, your imagination is much better than mine.

In the amazingly long-titled "The Amazing Spectacles of Mr. Ghio", Richard faces yet another ignominious demise... he is killed when his bike wipes out after running over some phony dog crap placed in his path by the crafty Mr. Ghio. (That's right. Go back and reread that sentence if you need to. That's the level of inventiveness you're dealing with here.) How did Ghio know exactly where to place the object? How did this make Richard crash? And why did he die? No matter; it's yet another shameful end for Mr. Lane.

Bored after playing one of the "heroes" in "La Grande Saliccia", Richard joined Cal Slayton for the first ever use of the famous (now retired) Dog Food "mayo gag". And gag he did, as jar after jar of mayo was consumed through the three-day shoot. He's a real trouper, folks, to say the least.

Adding a holiday twist to his now standard spit-take, Richard upped the ante by vomiting poisoned egg nog before dying in "Cool Yule Part II".

Yearning for a greater challenge after the mild abuse of the last three films, Richard went all-out in "Rules of the Game", where, during a simple child's game of rock-paper-scissors, he is slapped, beaten and finally killed by Cal Slayton in a period of less than five minutes. Another stellar physical performance by Lane; Slayton has referred to this as his favorite shoot.

After suffering mere mental abuse by Slayton in "The Alibi", it can now be told that Richard actually made an uncredited appearance as "Pate", one of the ill-fated rodents in "Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon". Richard was crammed into a tiny, hot, itchy costume, dropped from the roof of Strother's house, and made to crawl across the lawn only to have blood vomited in his face. If they gave "Best Actor" awards to cheap, Internet-only videos that nobody watches, Richard would have been assured one here.

In "The Infraction", sad-sack Rich is unfortunate enough to belong to a club whose members are rule-obsessed harmonica-playing nerds who also harbor dangerous psychotic tendencies. His fate, as you see below, was painful to film, though director Strother did give Richard a five-minute break every hour before stringing him back up again.

"Community Service" stars Richard as a guy with a speeding ticket who mistakenly winds up on a dangerous chain gang. A chain gang that is forced to... um... clean up a soccer field. Doesn't sound dangerous, huh? Well, Richard still manages to wind up flat on his back being dragged across the grass by an ankle chain! Way to go, Rich!

And there we have the contributions of Richard to date, knowing that many more are to come. Of course, this meek, put-upon personality is all an actor's trick. In real life, Richard would just as soon open your jugular with a straight razor as look at you. But on screen, he's as gentle as a lamb. Dog Food star Richard Lane, we salute you! And punch you... and kick you... and...

Better Late Than Never

2008-12-08T21:46:00.001-06:00

A photo of our 2nd Place Award from the 2008 24 Hour Video Race...

Dog Food fans try, as they must, to carry on.

2008-12-01T16:56:00.005-06:00

Here we see long time Dog Food fans Hilary and Melissa Raap drowning their sorrows over the latest missed deadline from film director and DVD non-producer Randy Strother. Brave soldiers, they... smiling all the while as they hold back their tears over the latest postponement of The Dog Food Collection on DVD. They look happy, yes, but they're not fooling anybody.

Chin up, girls; take heart. Surely not even a notorious, serial promise-breaker like Strother could look at this lovely picture and even think of letting you down.

Could he?

DVD No Show

2008-09-25T09:07:00.005-05:00

We here at Dog Food Productions love deadlines. We especially love the ear-piercing banshee-like scream they make when they go flying by.

I’m sure you already know this, as news of this event has saturated the mainstream media even knocking the coverage of the election and photos of the world’s shortest man meeting the woman with the longest legs out of the spotlight.

That’s right the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is officially late. Originally slated as a “Summer 2008” release, work on the long-awaited set hasn’t even begun and here it is Fall already. But being the media-savvy man about town he is, director R. Strother tempered his grandiose and ambitious release date with the easy out, back door escape, get out of jail free, make everything better, you can’t sue me, legally binding (in three states)… “maybe”. Check the trailer; trust me, its there.

Many fans that had been camping out all Summer (see accompanying AP Photo) waiting for the mildly anticipated release were sent home. Butts sore from sitting on concrete for weeks, hearts broken by film guys too lazy to convert 16 films from VHS to DVD.

Fall 2008? Maybe? Well, let us get back to you.

Possible Documentary

2008-06-28T14:06:00.004-05:00

"What we've got heeere... is a failure... to entertain."

2008-06-27T08:42:00.006-05:00

Sit back, enjoy the type of high quality filmmaking that garners 2nd place (out of 24 teams) in the Auteur division in 2008 24-Hour Video Race and wonder why it didn’t get 3rd.

VIDEO RACE REQUIREMENTS
Theme: A twist of fate
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"
Location: Anywhere a sport is played.

Spare Change

2008-06-27T08:41:00.001-05:00

A playground, where painful childhood memories linger. A ladder, to climb to greater heights, with promises of easy money. A late-night viewing of Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam. This 5-minute endurance test was shown at the Angelika Theater as part of the 2004 24-Hour Video Race (put on by the Video Association of Dallas). "You can have it", 'cause we don't want it.

VIDEO RACE REQUIREMENTS
Theme: Easy Money
Prop: Ladder
Line of dialogue: "You can have it"
Location: Playground

It’s Christmastime!

2008-06-27T08:40:00.002-05:00

Well, Christmas 2003 that is. After years of red tape, legal wrangling and a fierce blood feud with our Eastern European distributor, Cool Yule Part II is finally available online for your viewing displeasure. This sequel to Cool Yule is jam packed with holiday cheer and features a tour de force performance by Sir James Ghio, Esq. Just when you thought you were out, we pulled you back in. Yes, I know that’s a Godfather III reference, not II, but who really cares. Watch our stupid movie, it’ll make you feel better about yourself.

Summer 2008. Maybe.

2008-06-23T14:02:00.005-05:00

Thrifty Nickel Entertainment Roundup
- by Edward Applebee

Two days past the official start of summer and the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is nowhere in sight.

It was December of last year that the Associated Press first reported the impending release of this vast film archive. Regular readers of my column will remember that in an interview with the AP, director R. Strother was quoted as saying "The Dog Food Collection on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release”.

The world waits with baited breath for Dog Food Productions to leap headfirst into the mid to late 90s and embrace the technology often referred to as DVD. This ultimate collection of Dog Food material is reported to contain every DFP film ever made. Cool Yule. Citizen Pate. La Grande Salcissia. The Infraction. All the films you grew up with and threw up with. I don’t know about you, but this reporter is scheduling his vacation around the release of these movie masterpieces. Sure, my wife wants to go to Maui, but she’s an idiot.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to get an exclusive phone interview with Dog Food irregular Cal Slayton, known for roles such as the Chameleon in La Grande Salcissia, James Pate in The Alibi, and Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast #2 in Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

Thrifty Nickel: So, what is the status of the DVD collection?
Cal Slayton: You need to talk to Strother. Good luck finding him.

TN: Can you elaborate? Is he even working on it?
CS: Working on it? I doubt he’s even thought about it. When it comes to making teaser trailers, the guy’s the best in the biz. No doubt, no doubt in my mind. But then he just peters out. Like a bottle rocket. You know, big takeoff, not much of a finish.

Plus, it doesn’t help that Crosby and him are constantly at odds, it’s not the healthiest way to work. They’re constantly bickering. Strother gets in one of his moods, doesn’t want to work, smashes equipment and then disappears for days on end. When he finally shows back up, he reeks of booze and is usually missing his pants. It’s not a pretty sight.

TN: So, do you think it will ever see the light of day?
CS: Well, the DVD covers have been ready for over a year now. We got this local Graphic Designer to do them for us. He does really great work. I mean really, really, really great work. Honestly, just beautiful stuff. Really professional looking material. Fantastic designer. I mean, if you were gonna hire a designer…

(This went on for about 5 minutes and then…)

CS: …Yeah, I think it’ll happen. Every day the DVDs aren’t on the shelves, I lose money. And I like money. A lot. So, I dropped a little envelope in the mail today. Once Strother takes a looks at the photos it contains, I’m pretty sure he'll be planted in front of his editing bay before you can say “Don and a donkey”.

TN: That’s great news. So what does the future hold for Dog Food?
CS: We have a couple of projects we’re knocking around. One is sort of a Bigfoot thing. The other is a Holiday film that just may reunite the characters from Sausage. Of course, that’s dependent on Lane getting a work release and if we can get Ghio back on the continent. He moved to Paraguay after our last film “Community Service”. He loved how he looked in that hat and wanted to move somewhere that he could sport it on a daily basis without fear of ridicule.

So, there you have it dear readers. The Dog Food DVD Collection, no definitive answers.

Comm Serv Sec Plac for DF

2008-05-29T20:31:00.002-05:00

As surely as the swallows return annually to Capistrano, each year the gang of Dog Food idiots flocks to the 24-Hour Video Race, presented by the Video Association of Dallas. This year our entry "Community Service" was somehow voted next-to-least-worst video in the "Auteur" division -- that's second place, folks. As in, just behind first! Truly, there were some fine competitors this year... and then there was us. Hop on over to the "Films" page for an update on our latest epic.

Press release 05/24/2008

2008-05-24T10:34:00.007-05:00

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
12:05 AM EST, May 24, 2008, OXNARD, Ca.

Trouble is brewing once again at Dog Food Productions like a late-night pot of cheap joe. After director R. Strother off-handedly referred to his acting team as "knuckleheads" and "no-goodniks" at the Angelika screening of "Community Service", petulant returning member Kelly Crosby fired off a haughty retort, which we quote in full here:

"By the way Mr. Strothers... Expect to hear from my attorneys in regards to defamation of character! I resent this public announcement during your acceptance speech last night!............"Knuckled head".....HURUMPH! Knuckled head indeed! Oh you know what I’m talking about............oh you know................

This isn't over Strothers...............not by a long shot...............blog that strothers....blog that....

Good day sir.............I SAID..... GOOD DAY!"

Strother's reply was predictably terse, though he did manage to sneak in a plug:

"Crosby's being a big baby because we didn't have his mint juleps and finger sandwiches waiting for him when he arrived on the set. He's just putting on a big show in the hopes that his salary for out next film -- "A Christmas Sausage", due to arrive December 2008 -- will be inflated. Fat chance."

The Video Race finals are being held on Tuesday the 27th. Expectations of a further controversy are low, since no "acceptance speech" is anticipated.

Where did we go right?

2008-05-22T11:20:00.002-05:00

Last night at the Angelika Film Center in Dallas, "Community Service", our entry in the 2008 24-Hour Video Race, advanced to the finals with two other worthy competitors. And no, wise guy, there weren't only three to pick from. In fact, psychiatric and medical evaluations were performed on all the judges at the end of the evening, and apparently they were neither drunk nor insane... so it would appear that the results are legitimate. If you missed the screening, you have another chance to sit through our latest "gag"-fest next Tuesday at the same location. Just be sure to bring five bucks and plenty of Bromo-Seltzer.

We're makin' a film here, boss!

2008-05-21T08:17:00.003-05:00

Well, friends and enemies, Dog Food Productions once again completed the 24-Hour Video Race on time, so tonight you will be able to see your favorite knuckleheads on the big screen as our new short, "Community Service" premieres. The filming was an auspicious event which marked the return of Jimmy Ghio and Kelly Crosby to the Dog Food fold. That's right, all four original Dog Food cast members participated... that's four times the laughs for us and four times the agony for all of you!

2008 Requirements:
Theme: Twist of Fate
Location: Anywhere a sport is played
Prop: A key
Line of dialogue: "What's this going to cost me?"

Admit it, you're dying to know what manner of crap we came up with. See it at the Angelika Film Center in Dallas tonight, or just watch this space for empty promises of posting it here.

Dog Fight!

2008-05-16T10:52:00.007-05:00

Dog Food Productions will compete tonight in their fifth "24-Hour Video Race", and the project already appears to be in jeopardy. Returning cast member Kelly Crosby has issued outrageous demands for the honor of his presence, including Evian water chilled to precisely 68 degrees; a no-nudity clause; and a stern admonition that any use of the words "tostado" or "cloak" be stricken from the script. Both Richard Lane and Cal Slayton, the team's most reliable members, have expressed doubt about their ability to endure Crosby's dilettantish antics. In addition, Dog Food star Jimmy Ghio is out of town and may not return in time for the race, and director R. Strother was reportedly seen late last night drinking solo from a Scorpion Bowl at Trader Vic's instead of getting the much-needed sleep the race requires. Does this brewing storm mean disaster for Dog Food Productions? Will this be a repeat of their freshman failure to deliver the video on time? We'll report the news here shortly, ugly though it may be.

Night of the Living Dog Food Idiots!

2008-05-12T18:40:00.003-05:00

Hello, Dog Food fans. Be sure to watch this space closely in the coming days for updates, as the cast you love to despise once again participates in the annual Video Association of Dallas "24-Hour Video Race". This will be the Dog Food crew's fifth year (see earlier entries above) and this marks a reunion of sorts, with Kelly Crosby returning to the cast for the first time since 2003, and the potential appearance of the elusive Jimmy Ghio. Getting this cast back together was no easy or inexpensive task, as they all bear obscure grudges against each other. "Yeah... I guess I'm going to be there. But I am not looking forward to working with Strother again", said prima donna Crosby, fanning himself with a stack of 100 dollar bills. Ghio did not confirm that he will take part in the race, but does promise to wear pants for once if he does appear. Expect sporadic updates on this site in the form of a production diary from irritable director R. Strother leading up to, and after the race. Expect it... and then be disappointed.

New Website

2008-04-12T16:07:00.002-05:00

What type of person reads this blog? You do obviously. But you must have reason to. And if you have reason to, then you might be interested in knowing that I just totally redesigned the Dog Food Productions website. There you will that our filmography is now current, that I've added a bunch of new photos and artwork, and that our award-winning director has compiled a brief and somewhat scandalous history of DFP. So, if you have some time to kill and you like really stupid stuff, stop by and see what's going on.

Proceed to Mediocrity!

The Dog Food Collection

2007-12-10T19:50:00.001-06:00

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
11:24 AM EST, December 10, 2007, OXNARD, Ca.

Soon, happy consumers will be able to throw away their old, worn-out VHS copies of "Citizen Pate", "Mondo Ghio", and other Dog Food Productions classics with the release of "The Dog Food Collection" on DVD in 2008. R. Strother, director and leading tyrant of Dog Food Productions, discovered the DVD format just last year. "It's amazing," said Strother at a rare press junket. "It's like a CD, but you can put a movie on it." Strother's infatuation with the "new" format has sparred the remastering of all films in the Dog Food catalog. Some insiders fear that the release will be delayed by the director's incessant habit for retooling old work. "It's always been my belief," Strother was quoted as saying, "that these films would benefit from modern technology." His stated plans include replacing the cardboard characters Don and Pate with CGI counterparts and adding back scenes that were deleted after negative audience previews. "I still say the bordello scene from 'The Big Sausage' was a masterwork, and it's back in", claims Strother. "And when the fully restored 'Cool Yule II' is released, the world will see that Cronenberg was not the first to film a naked steambath knife fight." Strother went on to hint that in the extended version of "The Solicitor", audiences will see "what really happened in that pool". "The Dog Food Collection" on DVD is slated for a summer 2008 release. The press has been unanimous in its opinion that Strother will fail to deliver.

Sign of the Apocalypse

2007-06-01T11:22:00.001-05:00

Once again, Dog Food Productions participated in the Video Association of Dallas’ 24 Hour Video Race. Before, we get to the results; let’s examine our past performances:

2003 - Finished our film in time, but were unable to get it on the tape they required. That hurt.

2004 - Finished our film in time, made the deadline, had it screened, didn’t make the finals.

2006 - Finished our film in time, made the deadline, had it screened, made the finals, didn’t place.

It’s 2007 and I’m proud to say… We won 3rd place in our division. Yeah, it’s not first or second place, but we did win something for our efforts. See semi-snazzy trophy below.

With this pattern, maybe we’ll get second place in 2008 and win in 2009? Could be.

What was disappointing to us is that we were unable to do everything in the film that we had planned. We were getting down to the wire in the editing stage, trying to improve some audio and ran out of time. We left off a funny joke and didn’t get the end credits added, which would have ended our film on a laugh (in theory).

Hey, it’s a race and that’s what it’s all about. We can only blame ourselves for not turning in the film we wanted to. But we did place and we’re happy with that. The night of the race, we were happy just getting it in on time. We made it in at 11:58.

The Alibi

2007-05-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

Back after a one year absence. Rested and Ready. It's... us again. Dog Food is back in the race. The 24 Hour Video Race that is. Believe it or not, we finished in time and we advanced to the finals. There's a shocker! "The Alibi" is a 4 and a half minute thrill ride that takes the audience on twists and turns through such exotic locales as a business park in Frisco, Texas to a teenager's bedroom to... um, to... well, I guess that's it really.

VIDEO RACE REQUIREMENTS
Theme: Cover Story
Prop: A measuring device
Line of dialogue: "That's what I'm talking about."
Location: Statue or other public art

Okay, what beats what again?

2006-05-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

Check out a short film we did several months back. Rules of the Game...

Dog Food Productions licks its wounds again!

2006-05-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

Last night at the Angelika Theater in Dallas, "The Alibi", our entry in the Video Association of Dallas' 2006 24-Hour Video Race, lost to some worthy competitors. But, hey -- we finished and advanced, so that's something. And somethin' is better than nothin'. You follow me? We here at Dog Food Productions love nothing more than to pass on the vast wisdom we've attained, so here are a few things we learned this year:

1): You're in the Video Race. Locked in; you've paid the registration fee. You've got a couple of people committed to joining you. It's getting close. Real close... only a few hours before the midnight starting gun. You say you checked that your capture card was talking to your editing software? Oh yeah, when? Two weeks ago? Okay. Better check again, pal.

2): Next year, a set would be nice. Or maybe the interrogation room of a detective agency really does look like a teenager's bedroom. I dunno.

3): Here's an equation for you: (Low light) + (hastily set up angles) x (time to properly adjust the camera) = lousy cinematography. Avoid, unless you're Gordon Willis.

4): Allow time for overdubs or at least for fixing rank amateur sound problems. 'Cause you're gonna have them. 'Cause you're... you know, a rank amateur.

5): The director is called the "director" because he is not an actor. If you've got a part to fill, pull someone off the street and pay them if you have to. But don't let the director find his way to the wrong side of the camera, at all costs.

6): Don't stop filming unless you've got a rock-solid ending. One will not miraculously materialize in the editing when it's after 11:00 P.M.

And most significantly, we learned that:

7): Apparently, Richard Lane has worn a girdle at some point.

But I'm pointing out all the negatives. Truly, I think we made another stupid, funny short that fit the criteria with no cheating and got it in on time. So I proclaim success. I proclaim it! There, it's been proclaimed. Only a heretic would disagree with my proclamation.

Now, I'll bet you're all thinking that this site will go dark for another year or two. Well, you'd be wrong, heretic! This will be the busiest year yet for Dog Food Productions. Watch this site daily... er, weekly... well, occasionally for updates. You don't believe me, do you? Well, I guess you'd better just check back in a few days and find out, huh? Yeah, I guess you better just do that.

Oh, and my wife Jennifer said that in the credits I should have thanked our cat, Chet.

Yeah, thanks Chet. Thanks loads.

Back in the Race!

2006-05-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

Two years isn't a long time to wait for an update, is it? Hey, rehab and detox takes different people different amounts of time, so cut us some slack. We're working the program, okay?

Anyway, after skipping last year, Dog Food Productions once again competed in the 24-Hour Video Race. This year it was from midnight-to-midnight, May 12-13. If you're not familiar with this exercise of pain and suffering, the Video Association of Dallas does it every year. You meet at midnight on Friday, they give you a line of dialogue ("That's what I'm talking about."), a location (statue or other public art), a prop (measuring device) and a theme (cover story). Then you have 24 hours to make a 5 minute film that incorporates those elements.

We're happy (and a bit stunned) that not only did we finish, but we advanced to the finals in our team category. I know, I know... recount, right? God bless you dangling chads. (What I can't use a joke from six years ago?)

The finals are Tuesday, May 23 at the Angelika Theater in Dallas. We really don't expect to win. Mainly because we couldn't get any more incriminating photos of the judges. These ones we had only got us to the finals, they can't help us anymore.

Dog Food update

2004-05-03T03:20:00.000-05:00

Hey, look! An update!

Who would've thunk it? Dog Food Productions has been over-hauled and re-designed. New films added, new photos and artwork, even the DFP store has been re-vamped with stupid new products! Take a look around and admire the utter stupidity.

24 Hour Video Race

2004-04-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

Well, whattaya know - a year has passed and we're here again with the same news. That's right! Dog Food Productions is once again competing in the 24-Hour Video Race, this year from midnight-to-midnight, May 7-8, 2004. Why did we not post the results of last year's race, you ask? Shut up, that's why. Suffice to say that it's a long and tortuous story and we'll tell it another day. But hey, how about this: Laura Neitzel and the good people from the Video Association of Dallas were kind enough to show our almost entry from last year, "The Solicitor", at the Magnolia Lounge last Saturday during Registration Day for the upcoming race. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Well, go here and find out. Then check back at this site soon - we'll finally be adding all-new shorts, trailers, stills and didn't-finish-the-race excuses.

Speed Racers

2003-05-06T04:12:00.000-05:00

Yes, friends, for once those nasty Internet rumors you've heard are true - the usual gang of Dog Food Productions idiots are regrouping for another film. We'll be participating in the 24-Hour Video Race, organized by the Video Association of Dallas. We'll be required to make a five-minute or less digital short in 24 hours, with requirements that are kept secret until the last minute.

Check this space in a week to see if we managed to pull it off, or if we just stayed up late and watched "Glengarry Glen Ross" for the hundredth time instead.

In other news, "La Grande Salsiccia" will receive its debut on DVD soon, in a packed special edition featuring:

• The remastered film
• Trailers
• Bios
• EPK
• Four full-length commentaries
• "The Road to Ordure", a 95 min. documentary about the troubled history of "La Grande Salsiccia" and its affect on an unsuspecting public.

Note: some of the above statements may be lies.

Premiere Problems

2002-08-12T19:18:00.000-05:00

Controversy continues to swirl around "La Grande Salsiccia", the latest film from Dog Food Productions. Only after a crowd of near-celebrities and sophisticates had gathered on the evening of July 27th for the promised premiere was it revealed that director R. Strother had held back several reels of the movie when handing it over to investors. The result was a film without a third act, and many unhappy patrons demanded their 50 cents admission back. There was little surprise in the industry that Strother would pull such a stunt, as he was unhappy with the way the film had been unceremoniously yanked from his hands. A lawsuit has already been filed by the investors that would force Strother to turn over the remaining reels or the finished film by October 1st, 2002. Stay tuned for news on the grand re-premiere. (Early reviews of the "rough cut" are on the "Films" page.)

Opening Night

2002-07-10T18:09:00.000-05:00

The world premiere of "La Grande Salsiccia" will be held on July 27th at the Ghio/Raap estate. The pre-show gathering by the pool begins at 4:00 p.m., the premiere will be as soon as it gets seriously dark.

Power Struggle

2002-07-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

In what seemed an inevitable move, control of the long-promised international film from Dog Food Productions has been wrested from its director, R. Strother. After endless delays, the news came as a surprise to few, and it now seems that the director's worst fears will be realized the film will not be released to American audiences with the original Italian dialogue intact, but in a hastily prepared, dubbed version. Strother could not be reached for comment, but did send a terse missive to the press, which we quote in full: "I don't know what you're going to see on July 27th ... but don't blame me if it's a piece of crap."

News About the Latest Release

2002-06-20T05:10:00.000-05:00

With a deadline looming, R. Strother is scrambling to complete the much-delayed latest film from Dog Food Productions. He even went so far as to commit to a firm date via a memo to the press. "The film premiere will be on July 27th. That's July 27th, 2002. Guaranteed. Now leave me alone and let me finish my film." One source who viewed an incomplete rough cut of the film described it as "...an incoherent mess... it should've stayed in the can another three years. No amount of retooling could help this picture." However, another anonymous informant reported that the film is "....a masterwork. Those lucky enough to see it will owe a great debt to director R. Strother." [ Note: It has since been uncovered that this "anonymous" source was R. Strother himself.] Travesty or masterpiece? On July 27th, the public will judge for themselves.

Press Conference

2002-03-05T00:16:00.000-06:00

A press conference was held late Sunday night at the offices of Dog Food Productions to announce yet another postponement of the latest release from the studio. In attendance were Dog Food stalwarts Kelly Crosby, Richard Lane, Cal Slayton and R. Strother.

Conspicuous in his absence was Jimmy Ghio, who has been the subject of recent rumors which have him officially retiring from acting to pursue his true love of interior design and Feng Shui consulting with his companion, Felipe. "Those rumors are nonsense!" shouted director Strother when the subject was broached. "Those guys are just friends. Believe me, Jim Ghio is as much of a regular, womanizing heterosexual as the next guy." Next to Strother was former "Wham" singer George Michael, who apparently stopped by for some free publicity.

After refusing to answer questions explaining the latest delay in post production on the new film, the conference erupted into a brawl when Strother suggested that there may be some scenes yet to film. As reporters beat a hasty retreat, Crosby, Lane, Slayton and Strother were cursing and raining blows on each other and it appeared to this observer that George Michael was caught in the middle and getting the worst of it. There has been no further word on a release date from the studio.

10 Questions with R. Strother

2002-02-04T10:21:00.000-06:00

Dog Food star Cal Slayton makes an appearance this month in the Web Zine Sequential Tart . Cal did the cover art for this month's issue and consented to an interview as well, which you'll find in the "13 Questions" column. Inspired by this (and hungry for more Dog Food news), we e-mailed 10 questions to director R. Strother. Suprisingly, he responded.

1. How's the progress on the new, untitled foreign film going?
Slowly. This film is epic in scale, and to construct the action of each complex scene while still preserving the nuances of the performances is a daunting task. Plus, I've spent the last two weeks on a drunken binge.

2. Will it be faithful to the book?
Well, we threw out that whole romantic subplot, but I don't think anybody will mind.

3. What do you think of Cal Slayton's comic book work?
Cal's very talented. Just as long as he doesn't let his little moonlighting activity get in the way of his duties as a Dog Food performer, we won't have a problem.

4. We hear Richard Lane is about to be a father. Will this have an impact on his time as a Dog Food actor?
Again, I understand these guys have their own lives. So long as they don't let these little trivialities affect their ability to show up on time on the day of the shoot, everything will be fine.

5. You shocked everyone by making your last short film without Jim Ghio. Will Ghio's star be eclipsed by Slayton?
Jim Ghio has been an excellent star. But sometimes a little competition between actors is healthy for their performances, you know what I mean?

6. Insiders are saying that Kelly Crosby only appears in a few scenes in the new film. Is there a reason?
Crosby's becoming a problem.

7. What about the rumor that the new film will be released in a dubbed version?
Never. Crosby, Lane and Slayton spent months learning their lines in Italian phonectically, and getting them through it was too much work to toss away. Conversely, Ghio already speaks fluent Italian and the problem there was getting him to stop.

8. Much has been made about the walk-on from George Clooney. Can we expect any other surprise guest appearances?
Heh-heh-heh... yes.

9. Are there any big scenes that were filmed but will not make it into the final cut?
I've already cut Ghio's big nude scene, so you won't be seeing that. I didn't want to lose the female audience.

10. Do you think audiences will respond to the new film?
Probably not, after all this phoney-baloney hype. It's just a shot-on-video piece of crap, you know.

Post Production

2002-01-25T20:27:00.000-06:00

A spokesman for director R. Strother reports that the new, still-untitled foreign film is finally moving ahead with post-production. The promised February premiere however, is in question. "The problem, really," the spokesman said, "is getting Strother to keep at it. There was an editing session last week that started well, but when we went to check on him we found that he'd spent the last six hours downloading videos of girls wrestling in marinara sauce. We're thinking of hiring someone to keep tabs on him." That might prove tricky, however, as Strother has a history of disappearing for long periods when a deadline is looming. Only last month he was spotted in a Los Angeles nightclub with former "Hee-Haw Honey" Misty Rowe on his arm when he was due at a scheduled meeting with investors some 1500 miles away. Adding to the complications of getting the film finished are rumors that investors will pressure Strother to release the film in a dubbed (rather than subtitled) print for domestic release. On this point, Strother has been quoted only as saying, "Over my dead body will they dub this film."

Director Delay

2001-10-31T03:01:00.000-06:00

Circumstances beyond our control have again caused the delay of the long-awaited and anticipated premiere of Dog Food Productions latest effort, The Untitled Foreign Film. Director Randy Strother released a statement saying, "I'm sad to report the news that the film again will not be ready for the premiere. I want to apologize to all the fans, the Dog Pound, I feel I've let you down and I promise you when I'm through with my treatments at the Promises Clinic, I will be focused 62% on getting this film out to the public."

That's a Wrap

2001-09-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

Filming has wrapped on Dog Food Productions latest effort. Director Randy Strother promised to have the film ready for a Christmas release. All involved are skeptical at best.