Saturday, August 20, 2011

SoaHAB -- SFG Edition

By special request, here’s the Safe for Grandma edition of our “Blanks on a Blank” entry, Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon.

The year was 2006, and there was an unreasonable amount of hype for the new Samuel L. Jackson film, Snakes on a Plane. In the ensuing frenzy, the Alamo Drafthouse held an online contest in which contestants would enter and receive a randomly-generated animal and vehicle as the subjects of their short film. The only rules were to keep it under five minutes in length, to make sure your animals attack at some point in the story, and to have the characters curse in the inimitable style of Sam Jackson. Yes, that was a requirement.

Let me be clear… we did not choose “squirrels” or “hot air balloon”. They were chosen for us. And I had to toss my Quaggas on a Queen Mary script right in the trash.

I don’t think anybody actually went to see Snakes on a Plane in the end. But Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon lives on, so here for your family’s enjoyment is the cleaned-up, even shorter version. Appréciez l'idéotie!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What year is it again?

Well, it's 2010 and there is still no Dog Food Productions DVD set on the horizon. Director R. Strother has again stated that this IS the year, and went on to proclaim, "I promise there will be no more empty promises!"... which is a bit like someone saying "I lied to you when I said I lied". So the appearance of a DVD or two this year is anybody's guess. However, what we do know is that the Dog Food crew will be participating again in the 24-Hour Video Race, presented by the Video Association of Dallas.

This is the sixth year the morons from Dog Food have competed, and each year they inch closer to making a watchable film. Check back soon for details on the race and other Dog Food scraps as they gear up for another year of big claims and little output.

In the meantime, it should be mentioned that Dog Food Productions actually did quite well in the 2008 Video Race. Below are some pics from the awards ceremony featuring the cast. (Note: director R. Strother got lost on the way to the gala and is still bitter about not having received his statuette.)

Thursday, July 09, 2009

A Public Plea to the Organizers of the 24 Hour Video Race of Dallas

Please don’t ever hold the race on Memorial Day Weekend again.

Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please.

I have standing family obligation every year on that weekend and therefore it throws a wrench into Dog Food Productions’ participation. I know we’re only one team and it doesn’t really mean much.

But, the Race is really all we have in life. Seriously. We’ve got nothing.

We love the Race and look for to each year. Without it, we dive headlong into a downward spiral of depression, infighting, backstabbing, shoplifting and inappropriate name-calling.

We’ve participated 5 times and each time we’ve done one step better...

2003 - Finished our film in time, but couldn't get it on the required tape format. That hurt.

2004 - Finished race, didn’t make the finals.

2006 - Finished race, made the finals, didn’t place.

2007 - Won 3rd place in our division.

2008 - Won 2nd place in our division.

2009 – Couldn't participate because of the date. That hurt more than 2003.

2010 and beyond - Who’s to say?

Hopefully you will have pity on us and keep it away from Memorial Day Weekend. We don’t need to win, we don’t need to place, we don’t need to make the finals, we just need to race and finish.

The future and well being of this handful of idiots rest solely in your hands.

But no pressure.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Arrivederci Condimento

Finally, a new Dog Food Productions release!! What? You're weren't really waiting on anything from us? And also you stumbled upon this blog by accident looking for cheaper prices on Nutro Large Breed Adult Dog Food? Well, now that you're here, enjoy this mediocre offering from your new pals here at Dog Food Productions! Satisfaction implied, not guaranteed.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Meet the Stars, Part 1

Today we're beginning a new series of articles devoted to covering each Dog Food Productions star. You've seen their biographies, but here we'll take a look at how each player carves their own unique niche, or not, in the ever-growing Dog Food filmography. Check back infrequently, as there will be more updates guaranteed later this century.

First up is Richard Lane. Richard came to Dog Food studios professing a desire to act in the tradition of John Garfield in "Body and Soul" and Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront" and "One-Eyed Jacks". What attracted him to these classic performances? Perhaps the fact that in each film, the protagonist has the crap beat out of him. Yes, it's Richard's little quirk that he enjoys being abused on film, and we've certainly been happy to oblige. No mere whipping boy he, Richard painstakingly goes over his manner of degradation with the director before each production begins, even offering suggestions for new methods of how he might be slapped around, or in some cases, killed.

(Warning: SPOILERS below for some Dog Food films... now you don't have to watch them. You're welcome.)

Richard's legendary inability to hold down even a shotglass of weak liquor was highlighted in his first Dog Food film, "Mondo Ghio". Rich insisted on taking pure shots of Everclear for each take to make his reactions genuine. (A second bottle was needed to finish the shoot when it was discovered director R. Strother had drained the first one during the lunch break.) Richard supposedly suffered from nausea for days, but more importantly, a lasting sight gag was born.

After escaping relatively unscathed in "Cool Yule", Richard returned to play one of the many murder victims in "Citizen Pate". To double his humiliation, he was killed on the toilet. If this evokes either Janet Leigh or Elvis in your mind, your imagination is much better than mine.

In the amazingly long-titled "The Amazing Spectacles of Mr. Ghio", Richard faces yet another ignominious demise... he is killed when his bike wipes out after running over some phony dog crap placed in his path by the crafty Mr. Ghio. (That's right. Go back and reread that sentence if you need to. That's the level of inventiveness you're dealing with here.) How did Ghio know exactly where to place the object? How did this make Richard crash? And why did he die? No matter; it's yet another shameful end for Mr. Lane.

Bored after playing one of the "heroes" in "La Grande Saliccia", Richard joined Cal Slayton for the first ever use of the famous (now retired) Dog Food "mayo gag". And gag he did, as jar after jar of mayo was consumed through the three-day shoot. He's a real trouper, folks, to say the least.

Adding a holiday twist to his now standard spit-take, Richard upped the ante by vomiting poisoned egg nog before dying in "Cool Yule Part II".

Yearning for a greater challenge after the mild abuse of the last three films, Richard went all-out in "Rules of the Game", where, during a simple child's game of rock-paper-scissors, he is slapped, beaten and finally killed by Cal Slayton in a period of less than five minutes. Another stellar physical performance by Lane; Slayton has referred to this as his favorite shoot.

After suffering mere mental abuse by Slayton in "The Alibi", it can now be told that Richard actually made an uncredited appearance as "Pate", one of the ill-fated rodents in "Squirrels on a Hot Air Balloon". Richard was crammed into a tiny, hot, itchy costume, dropped from the roof of Strother's house, and made to crawl across the lawn only to have blood vomited in his face. If they gave "Best Actor" awards to cheap, Internet-only videos that nobody watches, Richard would have been assured one here.

In "The Infraction", sad-sack Rich is unfortunate enough to belong to a club whose members are rule-obsessed harmonica-playing nerds who also harbor dangerous psychotic tendencies. His fate, as you see below, was painful to film, though director Strother did give Richard a five-minute break every hour before stringing him back up again.

"Community Service" stars Richard as a guy with a speeding ticket who mistakenly winds up on a dangerous chain gang. A chain gang that is forced to... um... clean up a soccer field. Doesn't sound dangerous, huh? Well, Richard still manages to wind up flat on his back being dragged across the grass by an ankle chain! Way to go, Rich!

And there we have the contributions of Richard to date, knowing that many more are to come. Of course, this meek, put-upon personality is all an actor's trick. In real life, Richard would just as soon open your jugular with a straight razor as look at you. But on screen, he's as gentle as a lamb. Dog Food star Richard Lane, we salute you! And punch you... and kick you... and...

Monday, December 08, 2008

Better Late Than Never

A photo of our 2nd Place Award from the 2008 24 Hour Video Race...

Monday, December 01, 2008

Dog Food fans try, as they must, to carry on.

Here we see long time Dog Food fans Hilary and Melissa Raap drowning their sorrows over the latest missed deadline from film director and DVD non-producer Randy Strother. Brave soldiers, they... smiling all the while as they hold back their tears over the latest postponement of The Dog Food Collection on DVD. They look happy, yes, but they're not fooling anybody.

Chin up, girls; take heart. Surely not even a notorious, serial promise-breaker like Strother could look at this lovely picture and even think of letting you down.

Could he?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

DVD No Show

We here at Dog Food Productions love deadlines. We especially love the ear-piercing banshee-like scream they make when they go flying by.

I’m sure you already know this, as news of this event has saturated the mainstream media even knocking the coverage of the election and photos of the world’s shortest man meeting the woman with the longest legs out of the spotlight.

That’s right the Dog Food Productions DVD Collection is officially late. Originally slated as a “Summer 2008” release, work on the long-awaited set hasn’t even begun and here it is Fall already. But being the media-savvy man about town he is, director R. Strother tempered his grandiose and ambitious release date with the easy out, back door escape, get out of jail free, make everything better, you can’t sue me, legally binding (in three states)… “maybe”. Check the trailer; trust me, its there.

Many fans that had been camping out all Summer (see accompanying AP Photo) waiting for the mildly anticipated release were sent home. Butts sore from sitting on concrete for weeks, hearts broken by film guys too lazy to convert 16 films from VHS to DVD.

Fall 2008? Maybe? Well, let us get back to you.